I just feel brittle. Things got a bit intense on Tuesday. My mom came home early from work and woke me up, and she was crying, and I guess my stepdad was deciding that mom isn’t “defending” them or something by enforcing whatever it was he feels she isn’t enforcing. With my stepdad, things are never good enough. It’s a moving target- you think you’re doing everything perfectly, but nope, the standard’s moved again and he’s pissed at you for not doing something else. Mom says she’s pretty sure it was how his mom treated him when he was growing up, and he’s angry and won’t address it, but then it becomes our problem when he starts threatening a divorce over it.
He’s evidently had a change of heart since then, but I spent Tuesday holding back tears at work, and I immediately started crying when I got home and saw mom there. I was so angry and frustrated. Mom had made some comment about “I know you know all of the tricks and tips for living with bipolar disorder, but I feel like you leave a lot of them on the table,” and I’d just been mulling over that, and being angry at my stepdad for not addressing the shit in his head and instead taking it out on my brother and I, who are both here because we have no place to go and we are most assuredly not just sticking around because we feel like it. I ranted a bit about how my stepdad has ALWAYS been like that and he’s never been happy with me, ever, and how he tends to treat people as investments, and how I was a bad investment because they paid towards my schooling and now I’m working at a Wendy’s and living at home.
I may have finally put the whole “you need to get exercise and sleep at a certain time” to bed for a while, though, as I pointed out that I’m getting lots of exercise now that I can’t use my car and am walking to work. I said that exercise has never helped my mood, I just feel tired and irritable afterwards. It might help me to sleep better, but my sleeping problems aren’t related to not being tired, it’s related to anxiety. And I also explained that it’s keeping a consistent sleep-wake cycle that’s important, and I have been. It isn’t when my parents feel I should be going to sleep and getting up, but I am consistently getting enough sleep. The tools I need right now are unavailable to me and I tried group, I really did, but it isn’t what I need. I need a therapist and to get back into regular therapy sessions, but until I trip over some insurance or the county miraculously decides to provide all of the basic mental health services that they should be, I’m stuck.
I have to admit, I stopped on my way home on Tuesday and stared at the river. The shortcut to Wendy’s is through the park and over the bridge. Our river is rather pathetic, though, and rarely more than two feet deep, so while I was contemplating it, all I would’ve done is gotten damp and probably sprained or broke something in the fall. Not to mention the river is disgustingly filthy. I think someone would have to pay me money before I jumped in.
I did slip and fall on the bridge on my way to work, though. It was snowing and icy, and up was one thing, but down was another. Hrmph.