I can’t stop crying

I’ve been going downhill, very downhill, for a week or two now. I’ve not had much time for myself, and I have been spending a lot of time triggered and feeling overwhelmed. I’ve worked hard at work and put in extra hours, and I’m feeling the toll. The nightmares are back, the vivid ones where I wake up shaking and crying and sweating and feeling unsettled for days. I didn’t take my klonopin one night simply because I was tired enough that I didn’t think I needed it to sleep, and had the worst nightmare I’ve had in years, and I *still* feel weirded out about it. I had forgotten how much the klonopin helps with my nightmares, too.

I still haven’t found a job, but I’m not looking as hard as I should. It’s hard to make myself do so, to be completely honest, because I feel like I don’t deserve one. I feel like I don’t deserve to better my life and be independent again. I feel like I am unworthy of a life again, unworthy of Chihiro, unworthy of something 9-5 that pays well enough to live on my own again.

I pinched a nerve in my neck or something a week or so ago, and Sunday it was excruciating. I ended up going home from work early because it hurt so badly and I’d taken as much medication as was safe. I showered and iced my neck when I got home, and got lost in a book. Really, REALLY lost.

I read until like, seven AM. I had to be at work at 11:45.

I didn’t sleep enough, and was hallucinating when I woke up. I ended up calling in only 45 minutes before my shift, and my manager hung up before I could really explain what was going on. I slept some more but had nightmares the whole time. Now here I am, at 4:30, crying and feeling anxious about it.

My brother just came up the stairs to tell me he’s going to the library with my nephew. Wendy’s is across the street. I think I’ll ride along and see if I can smooth things over.

Edit: Okay, I went to at least ensure I’m still employed. My general manager (the one who I talked to this morning) had already gone home for the day, but I talked to the other two managers, and explained what happened. Hopefully I’ll manage to get some good sleep tonight, no matter what I have to do to get it.

I walked home in the cold and felt sorry for myself. I wanted to cry but I didn’t want my eyelashes to freeze. I think I’m done with my pity party, though I still need to cry again, I think. A good, proper cry, versus the little tears of pain I’ve been crying for the better part of a week. Time to find a really, really sad (short) story to read to get it out of my system.

I’m still hanging in there, no matter what the brainweasels are telling me. Thanks for sticking with me, guys.


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