Pretty much everything I do, makes my parents insane. I am very much a night owl by nature, while my parents are the exact opposite. They periodically remind me that it makes them crazy when I sleep in, and they have no problem with barging into my room (which still does not have a fully functional door) and demanding I get up if they feel I’m being too lazy.
I had a big job interview on Wednesday of last week, and afterwards, I had a panic attack and broke out into stress hives, so I spent my afternoon asleep as a result of klonopin and benedryl. I didn’t get my chores done, but I didn’t have to work until 3:20 the next day, so I informed both of them of the situation and assured them it would all be done the next day.
I had a nasty note and voicemail from my mom about it Thursday morning, and got ANOTHER nasty note on Friday about my cleaning being insufficient, despite having put in an hour of work into scrubbing the bathroom and vacuuming every inch of upstairs. I had done eight loads of laundry, all of which was washed, dried, folded and delivered. I had scrubbed the kitchen, unloaded the dishwasher, reloaded it, did dishes by hand that needed doing. I keep my room clean. My bed is always made. I try to stay out of the way, clean when I see things that need to be cleaned, and leave everyone alone.
This is not sufficient.
My stepdad wants me paying rent. Considering I am not managing to pay all of my bills at present, I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to be paying rent WITH. I am up to 30-32 hours per week at Wendy’s, the maximum I can get. Wednesday’s job interview wasn’t for the $18/hour full-time-plus-benefits child protective services worker as I thought; it is an $11/hour part-time-no-benefits job working in child services at the mental health agency in town. I had just applied for a CPS job the day before, so I mentally added the protective part when I listened to my voicemail, I guess, and as I was about to clock in to work when I got the call back to schedule the appointment, I didn’t get a chance to clarify it until the interview itself. While this is a step up, it is not the get-out-of-jail-free card that I thought it would be. If I get it, mom suggested not activating my car insurance yet, and instead use the van and pay “a little towards it” as they have a fleet of vehicles so I wouldn’t have to be doing my own driving around. I am a bit scared about what a little means, to be honest. I still wouldn’t have health insurance, but maybe I’ll be able to afford a premium. Once April rolls around, our state’s Medicaid expansion kicks in, so I’ll finally qualify for Medicaid, if I am still at Wendy’s.
So after my mom came in Sunday morning demanding I get up, and then my stepdad came in a few minutes later- WHILE I WAS GETTING DRESSED- to make sure I was getting up, I was in a pretty pissy mood. I applied for fourteen jobs, and have scheduled appointments to look into both the ASL program at the local community college, and a master’s degree in social work at U of M. Mom said I needed a six-month plan, so I wrote one. I’m now back to hiding, because I don’t think I can talk to anyone without starting to cry, as I very nearly lost my shit when I asked- again- if someone could just drive me to the bank so I can deposit my check, which I have been trying to deposit since Friday. I just wanted to pay my bills so people will stop calling me for a few days. Mom had said she’d do it and had forgotten, so my brother was sent, and then he was staring off into space and I snapped at him, almost crying as it was out of frustration.
I’m also getting tired of being told that I’m babysitting my nephew. Nobody asks anymore, they just say “you need to watch your nephew this afternoon” and disappear. My brother, my mom, my stepdad, they all do it. I wouldn’t say no, but I’d still appreciate being asked occasionally.
I miss Chihiro. I just want my cat back.