I found myself choking back tears for about half of my shift on Tuesday, and this was only partly due to re-smashing my shin against a dining room chair in the backroom. (The handyman hadn’t bothered to fix it or put it in dry storage so it wasn’t in the way, and I didn’t see it as I walked into the backroom, and hit it and it hit the wall and now I have a new bruise on top of the massive set I got from slipping and falling in my driveway about two weeks ago. My stepdad is too cheap to salt so there was basically a glacier at the foot of the driveway, it was dark, I was getting out of a coworker’s car and wiped out. My whole shin has been the whole gamut of interesting colors, from black/purple/blue to various shades of highlighter green and yellow.)
It’s weird, I go through these crying cycles. There are periods of weeks, even months, where I might want to cry but I can’t find the tears, and then every now and then I hit a couple weeks where I can’t stop crying. I held it in check today but it was a near thing, especially when one of the regulars asked why I looked so depressed.
I also vented to my manager about what happened Sunday, what with my stepdad barging into my room twice, once when I was pretty much naked, and she wondered if my parents even realize that treating me how they have been treating me lately only makes me more symptomatic. I don’t know, to be honest. Whenever I try to explain how it makes me feel, I get told I’m being emotionally manipulative or something.
I looked into the master’s of social work program at U of M. It is full time, during the day, no night classes or online classes. Yeah… that’s not gonna work. Guess I need to see if any of the other colleges around here have anything. If not, I guess I’ll just work on the ASL thing and go from there.
I feel like giving up. I can’t deal with the pressure right now. I’m back to isolating more than usual. Maybe it’ll help, I don’t know. I just don’t think I can manage to have a normal conversation without crying.