So this coming Saturday is my birthday. Most of the managers will get cupcakes or cake for people on their birthday, so I was joking with the general manager about whether or not I was more likely to get cake at home or at work on Saturday. The manager who never does stuff like that was running the shift on my birthday, so I asked for it off, figuring maybe my family will do something for my birthday.
So then I had a conversation with mom, and she told me that she’s going to my nephew’s eye appointment Friday morning, and then meeting my sister across the state as my sister has a job interview over there, and they were going to check out some places that my sister and her husband might rent, etc, in the event that she moves there. Mom said she’ll be staying there overnight and she should be home Saturday night.
I started crying. I’d already made the request and the schedule had been done, and I work all day on Friday and Sunday, so trading someone would be very difficult. I couldn’t even believe it. The joke about me not getting anything at home either was coming true.
The conversation led to my job search and frustration with that, and frustration with how my stepdad is treating me. We had this conversation two days in a row, actually, as I was so depressed after the first rendition that I spent the day hiding in my room. The second version of the conversation was really, really bad.
Basically, my parents are tired of constantly having to help someone out. Mom’s taking care of her parents, and my brother and I, and my nephew, and things are stressful with my stepdad. My brother and I don’t pay rent or buy food, and we don’t do enough around the house, and what we do isn’t good enough most of the time, and my parents see me as fat, lazy, and selfish. Mom brought up how she doesn’t feel I’m healthy and she doesn’t agree with my health beliefs (health at every size) because clearly being fat isn’t fixing anything for me (?) and I need to try something different. I need to find a job, and I’m never doing enough to get it, there is always something to criticize, and when I pointed that out I was told that I need to stop with the “poor me bullshit” and get out there and find something. It was suggested that I sell my car (I have five months left) so I can get an apartment and move out. I just wish I understood why my stepdad hates me so much.
I’m genuinely afraid I’m going to be kicked out. I have no idea what to do. I’ll be calling on a job lead Monday morning, as well as calling about the job interview, as I haven’t heard anything yet and I really, really want to do SOMETHING. I’m looking in Cincinnati again, and Columbus, and contemplating just responding to the next ad for a trucker that offers CDL training. That seems to be the only thing available up here, and I’m quickly running out of time. I have been here nine months and I feel like I wore out my welcome about nine months ago.