Tag Archives: independence

It’s the little things

I have a suet feeder on my porch.  There is a conquering sparrow horde that eats most of it, along with grackles and starlings, but I have one little downy woodpecker that visits a lot.  I love seeing that little guy.  (To the point where I’ve started to get woodpecker-specific suet.)  I also get the odd blue jay and cardinal.  I forgot how HUGE blue jays are, especially compared to the usual birds that visit.

I just sit in my chair, pet my cat, and watch the birds on my porch, along with my lovely flowers and handful of statuary pieces.  It’s nice to just… be, sometimes.


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Second verse, same as the first

So I survived 2013! As that was my New Year’s resolution, I think I did a pretty good job! Other than the roughly half dozen times I ended up in the ER, and losing my job and my entire world crumbling to dust. Enh. Little things.

My resolutions for 2014:

1. Survive 2014.
2. Get a nice job and get back on my feet.

I hope these two goals are attainable. Oh god, do I ever, especially the second one. It’s been nearly a year since I lost my job, and while I am healthier mentally than I have been in a long time, I can’t keep doing this. Part-time minimum wage doesn’t pay the bills, even when I supplement with jewelry sales, and I desperately need to be back on my feet and in my own place again. I really want to return to Cincinnati, but I will also be looking in Indianapolis, and on the west side of Michigan, like in Grand Rapids, which I hear has a decent economy. I hope, anyway. Anything that’ll get me headed back in the right direction.

New Year’s Day I woke up sick with a head cold (and have been getting progressively sicker, oh joy) and as it was a Wednesday, I was hope, but as it was a holiday, so were my parents. Mom and I were cleaning, as it was “Put away Christmas and clean the house back up” day. After working for a while, my stepdad came downstairs, visibly in a bad mood. He promptly sort of lost it at my nephew when my nephew didn’t do as he said right away, and he spanked him once on his bare butt which we NEVER do, and then he looked at me and said “You’re lucky I don’t spank you.” I just stared, shocked, and my mom asked what my stepdad meant as she tried to calm my nephew down, who had NO IDEA what had just happened as he is two and it was definitely above and beyond what was necessary. My stepdad said “Because I’m sick of it” and stomped off. I went to my room to hide, and tried to take a nap, as I honestly was physically aching.

Mom came up a while later and asked me to go somewhere with her. We wound up at the mall, and she talked to me about why she’d been angry at me Christmas day and why my stepdad was angry at me that day. They’re both angry that I don’t help out as much as they feel I need to and have to be asked to do something, and they were angry about how I didn’t vacuum in the bathroom last week when I cleaned the rest of it because I thought my nephew was sleeping, and I had to get to work. I did it the next day but my stepdad said something about it before I had started it. Mom also said that I feel sorry for myself too much (which I’m still not entirely sure where she’s getting that) and I’m trying to get sympathy from other people and I shouldn’t be like that.

I just don’t know. It feels like no matter what I do, it’s not good enough, and simply being me is seen negatively. I sleep too much, I eat too much, I don’t exercise enough, I’m not working hard enough to get a new job, I’m lazy, whatever. All of the things that I had been purging from my mind, all the negative self-talk, is being thrown at me again. Granted, I don’t generally jump to find something to clean at home because EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS CLEAN, but I do the dishes, clean up after my nephew constantly, do laundry every couple of days, clean the bathroom and vacuum through the upstairs at least once a week, and keep my personal messiness confined to my bedroom, around the door, where even if the door is open, it’s not visible. (Of course this doesn’t stop my parents from coming in and sighing loudly about it.) My brother is responsible for the downstairs bathroom and vacuuming down there, so generally I don’t jump to do it, but I guess I should now. Mom complained that I hang back and expect other people to do things for me, and she told me “you’re not a princess” on Christmas day. Granted, I *do* sometimes hang back, because I’m not sure what is expected of me, and let me tell you, the expectations are usually high and I don’t want to have to do something twice because it was unsatisfactory the first time. (Which is often.) I clean the bathroom from top to bottom, spending about a half-hour scrubbing, and vacuum the upstairs to boot, but mom said I don’t do a thorough job. I tell mom that she just has to tell me what she wants me to do and I’ll do it, but she gets angry that she has to ask when she feels I should simply know what she wants me to do, and I just need to “look around and find something every day.”

Long story short, I am so very ready to get a real job with a real income and benefits and get the hell back out of Dodge.

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