Well, when this post goes up, I will have been back at the Wendy’s in my hometown, my first job, for 45 minutes.
I feel like a failure, and have been battling suicidal thoughts as the time has ticked by. I spent last Monday evening on the phone with 1-800-SUICIDE because I was worried I would act on the thoughts, and half of my coping strategies were out- I usually like to talk to friends, and usually roleplay the emotions out, but I had no cell signal, there’s no long distance on the cabin’s phone, and no internet. I opted not to visit Tahquamenon falls the next day due to them featuring so very prominently in my suicidal thoughts to the point of my starting to plan things out, which is when I made the call. I’d been having panic attacks all day Monday, and I overheard my stepdad complaining about how all I do is sleep when I was just in my room, resting, half incoherent from klonopin. My heart hurt but I’m getting used to that. On Tuesday, when everyone was at the falls, I slept, and by Wednesday I felt like myself again, because I’d been able to get a decent amount of sleep at that point. I asked to stay through Thursday, rather than leave Wednesday, but my parents wanted me to come home so the garbage could be put out for Thursday pickup, and I imagine they didn’t want to have to deal with me anymore. Their empathy for my illness only extends so far, and my needing rest to stay functional irritates them.
I was still dreading everything- going in to check my schedule and get a couple work shirts, buying work pants and shoes, all of it. A lot of that anxiety went away when I did check my schedule, and I’ll be working 11:15 to 8:30 on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Not a full week, but the weekend had already been sorted by the time I put in a note asking for hours. I need to be brought back up to speed, anyway, and at least I get a weekend out of it. So many of the faces are the same, though I’m terrible with names. I went to look at pants and shoes and discovered that I can’t afford them, and will need to ask my mom to buy them for me, which makes me feel awesome. I also need her to buy some medication for me (she’d previously offered to help with that but I’ve been embarrassed to ask, afraid that she’d forgotten about it and would change her mind) so we’ll see how things go.
I thought about my life, and feeling like a complete and total loser, a lot on Friday. I started to think about how my career hadn’t really worked out, and this is a period of reinventing myself. That I have to go all the way back to my personal square one to do so is irritating, but at the same time, at least I have a contingency plan. I’m not as awfully bad off as I could be right now- I could be homeless, as my stepdad originally wanted. I could also possibly be employed at something professional, as I’ve had many interview requests from around Ohio, and not a single one in Michigan.
I feel lost, and hopeless, and mostly tired. But maybe once I have a job again, and can have a current employer people can call, and a current employer that’s known me for thirteen years and can attest to how I am a hard worker who is excellent at customer service, maybe that’ll be the impetus I need to finally land something that will pay enough for me to get into my own apartment, get Chihiro back, and some measure of independence again. Of course, now I have to replace so much of my furniture, and my bike and sewing machine, and whatever else manages to wander off before I finally have a place to my own again.
Mom wants me to “network” more. I’d love to volunteer, or do temp work, but my anxiety levels spike at the thought, and the temp agency didn’t work out, as they never contacted me again after I completed all the assessments. Another temp agency sent me assessments to complete to get a call center job. I don’t know if that will pay better than minimum wage, but maybe.
I just… need to find my self-confidence again. Six months of nothing but being turned down, ignored, belittled, and parceled out has done nothing but destroy me inside. I have no confidence in my ability to maintain employment, and maintain stability whilst employed. I want to go back to school to learn to be an interpreter but I don’t know if I can manage that on top of working at a job like Wendy’s; I definitely can’t afford to pay for it, but if I took enough classes to get my loans deferred, that would be a little more money in my pocket to be used towards other bills.
There’s so much to do and I’m so afraid of all of it. I make lists and even the lists make me nervous. I covered one of them up with the scarf I just finished making, and I keep moving around my pile of mail as if it’ll sort itself out properly if I manage to put it in just the right place.
I’m trying to be confident, I really am. I’m trying to put forth the best I have. Maybe I need to go get my costume out of storage and wear it around for a while; actually *being* Nadja tends to help, though I have no faire to attend. I don’t want to go to the ones around here because they aren’t home. Willy Nilly on the Wash is home, and I hope I can get there soon.
I just want to go home.